For the longest time, I’ve tried to live up to standards and people’s
expectations of what they want me to be. And it’s been a difficult
journey. I’ve always been a model child in my parents eyes. I didn’t
keep them up worrying late at night like my siblings because I didn’t
party. Not that they were party animals. They were always just more social than me. I told myself I would never drink because I saw how much my mom worried when my brother drank. She didn’t allow me to find a job
while in college so that I could finish school and get my degree.
I didn’t go out. I studied. I helped my parents at their jobs while juggling schoolwork. I had a routine: school, homework, work. That’s all I could focus on. I appreciated the fact that my parents were supporting me and my dreams to finish college. But looking back, if I had it my way, things would have been slightly different.
I didn’t even want to touch alcohol until I was the legal age of 21. When I finally did, I enjoyed it, but still wouldn't allow myself to drink too much. Even now, I still don't really enjoyed drinking. The taste is too strong. I’ll only stick to sweet drinks with low alcohol and only drink at social gatherings. And when my mom is around, I'll just have one drink, if even that.
The problem is that I was/am afraid of being the daughter my mom wouldn’t be proud of. So I did everything right. Or I tried. But all it did was limit me. It made me become the person everyone else wanted me to be and not the person I wanted to be.
I even went as far as to not bother trying to go on dates. When I finally did at the age of 23, I only went out with one guy. And that was it. I didn’t go out anymore. I was afraid. Looking back that fear stemmed from years of not knowing how to let people in. I didn’t know what to do. And I just kept thinking that it wouldn't work out because of how strict my mom was (I was an adult, but in her eyes, I was still a child). I always felt like she was keeping me on check. I know she's protecting me because she worries, but sometimes that protection can become too overbearing.
Another 2 years would go by before I would finally muster up the courage to try dating again. I went out with one guy, but again, nothing happened. It would be another few months before I would give online dating another chance. I had tried it in the past and would chat with a few guys, but it didn't lead to anything. Until I decided to try it again. And be open. Which I was. And for once, I met someone and let my guard slowly down. It was a 5 month relationship and even though things didn’t work out, I don’t regret taking that chance. For once, I did something for myself.
This year has been one hell of a ride. I've experienced, tried, and seen new things. I can't say that it's been the best. It's not even close. Unfortunately, the events that have happened in the past 2 months have cascaded over almost every good thing that has happened. I've dealt with loss, heartbreak, and difficult choices. I've also been faced with something that I have no control over. My future is on the line. I've had to come to terms with the fact that life doesn't always turn out how you would hope. But you still have to get up each day and make the best of it.
They say when you go through pain, it changes you. And it does. It opens your eyes. You see the world differently. You not only feel the pain, you start to truly understand it. And you start to gain strength that you didn’t know you had. And now at 27, I’ve decided to do things for myself. Everything here on out is for me.
I never thought the day would come when I would find myself in a tattoo shop getting a tattoo. I was always afraid of needles. The thought of having something permanently scarred into my skin was too much to bear. But so many things happened simultaneously that I decided that it was time. I had thought about it before. But I let my worries and fears stop me. I decided that it was time to do this. And there was no backing out. So, I did it. Freshly inked. A new me. A fresh start. A chance for me to finally let myself be who I am and stop trying to be what everyone else wants or expects me to be. I’m not saying I’ll become someone completely different. I’ll just be me. The girl who doesn’t care what people think. The girl who isn’t afraid. The girl who is brave enough to take risks and take a chance. The girl who does and not the girl who could’ve. Enough with the what if’s. Life is short. We have to keep moving and stop looking back.
I didn’t go out. I studied. I helped my parents at their jobs while juggling schoolwork. I had a routine: school, homework, work. That’s all I could focus on. I appreciated the fact that my parents were supporting me and my dreams to finish college. But looking back, if I had it my way, things would have been slightly different.
I didn’t even want to touch alcohol until I was the legal age of 21. When I finally did, I enjoyed it, but still wouldn't allow myself to drink too much. Even now, I still don't really enjoyed drinking. The taste is too strong. I’ll only stick to sweet drinks with low alcohol and only drink at social gatherings. And when my mom is around, I'll just have one drink, if even that.
The problem is that I was/am afraid of being the daughter my mom wouldn’t be proud of. So I did everything right. Or I tried. But all it did was limit me. It made me become the person everyone else wanted me to be and not the person I wanted to be.
I even went as far as to not bother trying to go on dates. When I finally did at the age of 23, I only went out with one guy. And that was it. I didn’t go out anymore. I was afraid. Looking back that fear stemmed from years of not knowing how to let people in. I didn’t know what to do. And I just kept thinking that it wouldn't work out because of how strict my mom was (I was an adult, but in her eyes, I was still a child). I always felt like she was keeping me on check. I know she's protecting me because she worries, but sometimes that protection can become too overbearing.
Another 2 years would go by before I would finally muster up the courage to try dating again. I went out with one guy, but again, nothing happened. It would be another few months before I would give online dating another chance. I had tried it in the past and would chat with a few guys, but it didn't lead to anything. Until I decided to try it again. And be open. Which I was. And for once, I met someone and let my guard slowly down. It was a 5 month relationship and even though things didn’t work out, I don’t regret taking that chance. For once, I did something for myself.
This year has been one hell of a ride. I've experienced, tried, and seen new things. I can't say that it's been the best. It's not even close. Unfortunately, the events that have happened in the past 2 months have cascaded over almost every good thing that has happened. I've dealt with loss, heartbreak, and difficult choices. I've also been faced with something that I have no control over. My future is on the line. I've had to come to terms with the fact that life doesn't always turn out how you would hope. But you still have to get up each day and make the best of it.
They say when you go through pain, it changes you. And it does. It opens your eyes. You see the world differently. You not only feel the pain, you start to truly understand it. And you start to gain strength that you didn’t know you had. And now at 27, I’ve decided to do things for myself. Everything here on out is for me.
I never thought the day would come when I would find myself in a tattoo shop getting a tattoo. I was always afraid of needles. The thought of having something permanently scarred into my skin was too much to bear. But so many things happened simultaneously that I decided that it was time. I had thought about it before. But I let my worries and fears stop me. I decided that it was time to do this. And there was no backing out. So, I did it. Freshly inked. A new me. A fresh start. A chance for me to finally let myself be who I am and stop trying to be what everyone else wants or expects me to be. I’m not saying I’ll become someone completely different. I’ll just be me. The girl who doesn’t care what people think. The girl who isn’t afraid. The girl who is brave enough to take risks and take a chance. The girl who does and not the girl who could’ve. Enough with the what if’s. Life is short. We have to keep moving and stop looking back.
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| @monsebramirez This tattoo is a reminder to keep moving foward. |
*Today marks 5 years since I started this blog. Happy Birthday to my blog!
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